How it all began…
Growing up, as I did in the 80’s and 90’s… I knew I never quite fit in. Now, if you know me, I learn by watching and observing, and then attempting. That will make sense later, keep reading.
Gay… just as “Gay” was beginning to be recognized as a thing, it was becoming demonized just as fast by something known as “GRID”. If you don’t know what GRID was, it’s an acronym for “Gay Related Immune Disease”. GRID was killing off gay people, and nobody knew how to stop it. Not Doctors, Not Nurses, Nobody. If you got GRID, you were dead. Preachers came out demonizing gay people saying that GRID was God’s Punishment. There were rumors of how GRID started, none of which were true, and all of which were very demeaning. Gay jokes were normalized, and everywhere. GRID later became known as HIV, and ultimately AIDS.
Knowing myself, that I wasn’t the typical “straight white male”, and that I was more effeminate in nature, the thought of wearing clothing that wasn’t mens was frightening. The logic back then dictated that if you were a crossdresser (which I still don’t identify as – and back then the term was “Transvestite” which gained a cult following thanks to the Rocky Horror Picture Show) – anyways, if you were a cross dresser, you were gay. If you were gay, you were an outcast. That’s how society treated you. I already felt like an outcast, there was no need for me to play snakes and ladders to see how much of an outcast I could become. (This is that whole “watching and learning” thing I mentioned before.) Still to this day, the watching and learning plays a huge role in how genderfluid and other queer and gender-nonconforming people define themselves and whether or not they go public or continue to live in hiding. I hid until I was 42. I don’t wanna hide anymore. I’m done. What triggered my “rebirth” so to speak, or my “new life” or whatever you want to call it… was my separation from my wife. She is an amazing person, and there’s no animosity there at all. We still love each other a great deal as family, just not in the husband and wife way. She made me promise to live my truth after we separated. So I was driving one day, I think it was a weekend, and it really hit home. I thought to myself if I don’t make some hard changes, and start living my authentic life regardless of what people think – and this shit is scary for me – that the same cycle will repeat itself over and over. I will hurt more people, and I will also continue to hurt. I sunk myself into the study of my martial arts, and Buddhism. While I can’t claim that I am a Buddhist, I do study it and apply it as best I can to my life. Buddhism has helped me in a way that I cannot describe. Combined with the love of family, and friends… I’m full of gratitude each day. I strive to constantly make my life, and the lives of those around me better in some way every day.
I think that this one more step in helping others like me, is to tell my story.
The story of my birth also plays a role in this. I was never supposed to happen. Now, I know, back then the doctors said that a lot, and there were many “miracle babies” so to speak. But that’s not the only thing. The doctors told my parents, all the way from conception to labour, that I was supposed to be a girl. So while my mom was in the hospital in labour, the doctors kept offering her pain meds. She refused. Something in side her (She says it was God, it could have been. Or the Universe? or Instinct? Intuition or something… but she believes it was God, so it was God.) told her to “MOVE” so she got up and walked, and walked… yes, and walked more. I was born. I was breach – meaning I was upside down. Also not an uncommon thing… but I had my umbilical cord around my neck, and there was a knot in it.
Girl, Breach, Cord, Knot… some of those things were common, but not all at once. To top it off, the doctors said they were glad that Mom had refused the pain meds because if she had taken them, I’d likely be playing hotwheels or playdough right about now instead of telling my story and living my life. See? Kind of interesting huh?
❤️🔥Jess
